I'm broken.

So my want to have another baby isn't coming from my womb anymore. It's now a sadness, a heaviness in my heart. My heart freaking aches. My body doesn't know what to do again... it doesn't know whether it's coming or going, waxing or waning. I thought this was supposed to come naturally. I'm just not the same person anymore, I just feel like the spark is gone, there's just a dim light keeping me breathing. Trying to create another life has sucked the life and the spirit out of me. Every time I feel a breath of hopefulness, it's sucked out of me even more quickly than it came.

I feel like I'm being punished. I feel like I did something to deserve this, all I want to do is give my daughter a little sister. I see all these women have no problem getting pregnant-- and it makes me angry. I was even one of those women once... but now... I'm not, I'm broken. I suppose that's a common theme in my life...

::sigh::

Fun Friday

So... around 3AM I wake up, I hear rain tickling our windows... I couldn't figure out what it was at first. It almost sounded like the walls were cracking. But, I looked outside, and it was raining... blecch. I get up to go to the bathroom, and put a light blanket on my daughter. I don't want her to get chilly...

Next thing you know, she's having another night terror. She's screaming this shrill scream, over and over, she's clearly not awake although her eyes are open, and she's screaming so hard she pukes. Fun. The funny thing is, we just changed her sheets a few hours earlier. Go figure.

But wait.. the puking isn't over. So around noon today, I get that weird feeling in my stomach and throat, and I start salivating. I'm pretty well-versed in puking since I did it for almost 6 months while pregnant with my daughter... so I know my warning signs. Lo and behold-- I had to run to the bathroom and pray to the porcelain goddess.

But, I don't really feel sick, and she seems fine too. ::shrug::

Ramblings of a Madwoman

So today... I'm trying to eat a bit healthier. I have this nasty PCOS thing which screws up my periods, so I'm trying to eat a little more healthfully. I'm not sure how it's going to work out, but I'm going to try. So far breakfast was a shared orange and banana and a small handful of cheerios and a slice of corned beef (for protein! I don't eat eggs.) I do think I need a little caffeine though! But I've made it this far (2:47PM) and I haven't had coffee... maybe I can hold out. But why torture myself?! Ugh!

I need to get out of the house today though... not quite sure where I'd like to go. Grocery store was done last night, and I can't really think of anything we *need*... except maybe DD's night time diapers. Maybe we'll go to Target. That leads me to dinner...

I think I'm going to cook up some chicken to make a chicken Caesar salad. I already have the salad mix, and the chicken is in the freezer... yeah, this might work. And it doesn't take forever to make, so yeah, it might be do-able.

Ugh.. I just remembered I have to call Evenflo about DD's baby gate. It won't stay tight! ugh! I hope they'll help us out, we haven't had the thing long! I don't think I kept the receipt.. or did I? Hmm.

Dangit I wish blogspot had smilies. I NEED MY SMILIES!!

It's about darn time...

It's about darn time I started a blog. I've been thinking about it, and just about every horoscope I read tells me to start blogging... so here I am.

I'm not sure who, if anyone, will read this. That's OK, I'm OK with that. I'll probably just be talking about my 20 month old daughter, Disney World, or trying to conceive a sister for my daughter (and failing miserably!)

Anywho... I'm a mom in my late 20's to a delightfully smart little girl who is almost two years old, and a wife to an awesome hardworking husband who busts his butt at work to let me stay home.

More later/tomorrow/at some point!